Trouble

Light does not always erase the shadows we carry...

I came across this song on YouTube today and within the first minute of the video, I knew it was going to be amazing... and almost nostalgic for me.  This song (and video) perfectly describe my Junior to Senior years of High School.  The shots in this video remind me so much of things he used to do (even picking fights and being cocky, but not necessarily rude/mean).  When I first saw him in the hallway laughing with his friends, I "knew he was trouble" but didn't seem to care.  Like Taylor states, "I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen."  And by "this" I mean cheating on me with another girl and leaving me in the dust.

As I look back, it wasn't necessarily a happy or joyful time in my life, but I can't describe the rush that came from being with him (he was my first love, after all).  He was everything I thought I wanted, showing me a different side of life that I had never seen, opening my eyes to the world...

"Crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again...

...But I don't know if I should."

And I have never felt the same way towards anyone else since that experience.  It was such a "high" that nothing since then has ever compared...

The way of life we experienced together was like a drug.  And he was toxic to me, poisoning the deepest parts of my soul...

"And the saddest fear comes creeping in...
That you never loved me...
Or her...
Or anyone...
Or anything..."

For years I have struggled to climb out of the abyss he left me in.  I finally reached the top and could see the light once more...

But light does not always erase the shadows we carry...

Until we learn to face the sun and take a step forward.

Words cannot adequately describe the feelings I have gone through watching this video, nor the perfectionism of how it mirrored my life (aside from the crazy partying going on).  The lyrics speak truth to me on a different level... a level only David Hodges has ever been able to reach.

Many of the people I have met in the last 5 years do not know this "past life" of mine.  Many would never even guess at it.  I think that's a good thing!  It goes to show how much I have changed and turned my life around!  (FYI: No I was not doing drugs.  I thought I should clarify because I knew you were thinking this.)  But there was really no need for that kind of stuff when the guy you were with made you high on life.  Even now, the memories of that time are literally only flashes; glimpses of moments, creating a collage of an experience.  Many of those moments had such powerful emotions tied to them that they have left a deep scar on my heart.  The pain has gone away but the scar remains, growing smaller and smaller every year.

Eventually it will disappear...

Until then, I will try to forget it despite the pricks I feel from time to time.

"I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him...

...It was losing me."

Your first love will always remain with you, (as do the majority of your previous significant relationships).  What brings me hope is knowing that eventually a man will come into my life who will create those same "high" feelings as my ex did, only with in a positive way.  He will be soooo much more than my first boyfriend ever was or ever could be...

And I will be with this amazing new man for the rest of my life. <3

"I Knew You Were Trouble"

Taylor Swift

I think...

I think when it's all over it just comes back in flashes, you know?

It's like a kaleidoscope of memories...

But it just all comes back.

...But he never does.

I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.

It's not really anything he said...

Or anything he did...

It was the feeling that came along with it.

And...

Crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again...

...But I don't know if I should.

I knew his world moved too fast,

And burned too bright.

But I just thought...

How can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks...

So much like an angel when he smiles at you?

Maybe he knew that...

When he saw me...

I guess I just lost my balance.

I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him...

...It was losing me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago

I was in your sights, you got me alone

You found me

You found me

You found me

I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that

And when I fell hard, you took a step back

Without me

Without me

Without me

And he's long gone when he's next to me

And I realize the blame is on me

'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

'Til you put me down, oh

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

No apologies, he'll never see you cry

Pretends he doesn't know, that he's the reason why

You're drowning

You're drowning

You're drowning

Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street

A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be

And now I see

Now I see

Now I see

He was long gone when he met me

And I realize the joke is on me, hey

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

'Til you put me down, oh

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

And the saddest fear comes creeping in...

That you never loved me...

Or her...

Or anyone...

Or anything...

Yeah!

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

'Til you put me down, oh

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

Trouble, trouble, trouble

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

Trouble, trouble, trouble

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To this day, I have yet to run into Cody, though we still live in the same valley.  I keep thinking we are going to cross paths one day.

I hope when that time comes, I will be able to look him in the eyes and tell him I am happy and doing well.

A small part of me also hopes he can respond the same...