Trouble

Light does not always erase the shadows we carry...

I came across this song on YouTube today and within the first minute of the video, I knew it was going to be amazing... and almost nostalgic for me.  This song (and video) perfectly describe my Junior to Senior years of High School.  The shots in this video remind me so much of things he used to do (even picking fights and being cocky, but not necessarily rude/mean).  When I first saw him in the hallway laughing with his friends, I "knew he was trouble" but didn't seem to care.  Like Taylor states, "I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen."  And by "this" I mean cheating on me with another girl and leaving me in the dust.

As I look back, it wasn't necessarily a happy or joyful time in my life, but I can't describe the rush that came from being with him (he was my first love, after all).  He was everything I thought I wanted, showing me a different side of life that I had never seen, opening my eyes to the world...

"Crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again...

...But I don't know if I should."

And I have never felt the same way towards anyone else since that experience.  It was such a "high" that nothing since then has ever compared...

The way of life we experienced together was like a drug.  And he was toxic to me, poisoning the deepest parts of my soul...

"And the saddest fear comes creeping in...
That you never loved me...
Or her...
Or anyone...
Or anything..."

For years I have struggled to climb out of the abyss he left me in.  I finally reached the top and could see the light once more...

But light does not always erase the shadows we carry...

Until we learn to face the sun and take a step forward.

Words cannot adequately describe the feelings I have gone through watching this video, nor the perfectionism of how it mirrored my life (aside from the crazy partying going on).  The lyrics speak truth to me on a different level... a level only David Hodges has ever been able to reach.

Many of the people I have met in the last 5 years do not know this "past life" of mine.  Many would never even guess at it.  I think that's a good thing!  It goes to show how much I have changed and turned my life around!  (FYI: No I was not doing drugs.  I thought I should clarify because I knew you were thinking this.)  But there was really no need for that kind of stuff when the guy you were with made you high on life.  Even now, the memories of that time are literally only flashes; glimpses of moments, creating a collage of an experience.  Many of those moments had such powerful emotions tied to them that they have left a deep scar on my heart.  The pain has gone away but the scar remains, growing smaller and smaller every year.

Eventually it will disappear...

Until then, I will try to forget it despite the pricks I feel from time to time.

"I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him...

...It was losing me."

Your first love will always remain with you, (as do the majority of your previous significant relationships).  What brings me hope is knowing that eventually a man will come into my life who will create those same "high" feelings as my ex did, only with in a positive way.  He will be soooo much more than my first boyfriend ever was or ever could be...

And I will be with this amazing new man for the rest of my life. <3

"I Knew You Were Trouble"

Taylor Swift

I think...

I think when it's all over it just comes back in flashes, you know?

It's like a kaleidoscope of memories...

But it just all comes back.

...But he never does.

I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.

It's not really anything he said...

Or anything he did...

It was the feeling that came along with it.

And...

Crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again...

...But I don't know if I should.

I knew his world moved too fast,

And burned too bright.

But I just thought...

How can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks...

So much like an angel when he smiles at you?

Maybe he knew that...

When he saw me...

I guess I just lost my balance.

I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him...

...It was losing me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago

I was in your sights, you got me alone

You found me

You found me

You found me

I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that

And when I fell hard, you took a step back

Without me

Without me

Without me

And he's long gone when he's next to me

And I realize the blame is on me

'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

'Til you put me down, oh

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

No apologies, he'll never see you cry

Pretends he doesn't know, that he's the reason why

You're drowning

You're drowning

You're drowning

Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street

A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be

And now I see

Now I see

Now I see

He was long gone when he met me

And I realize the joke is on me, hey

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

'Til you put me down, oh

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

And the saddest fear comes creeping in...

That you never loved me...

Or her...

Or anyone...

Or anything...

Yeah!

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

'Til you put me down, oh

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

Trouble, trouble, trouble

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

Trouble, trouble, trouble

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To this day, I have yet to run into Cody, though we still live in the same valley.  I keep thinking we are going to cross paths one day.

I hope when that time comes, I will be able to look him in the eyes and tell him I am happy and doing well.

A small part of me also hopes he can respond the same...

Geek Wall

My bedroom walls are completely bare... and I'm tired of it.

A few weeks ago I saw the following video.  It is by my favorite vlogger (yes, I have started watching them), and her screen name is RandomPanser (Tradechat).  She's hilarious, geeky, and of course random.  Anyway, this video is showing the decorating of the wall in her video room (it's now the background for all her videos now).  What I specifically like about this video (and haven't seen in other design videos) is how she overlapped so many images and placed them at angles, like a collage.

I concluded a few nights ago that I wanted to attempt this on my bare walls.  So, I decided I wanted...

A geek wall!!

All my geekiness will be revealed with pictures and posters of favorite TV shows, movies, bands, lyrics, etc. Call me crazy, but I'm tired of bare walls and I really want to do something fun for a change.  I used to have posters hung up years ago, but when I took them down, I never replaced them.  Part of me has been hesitant because I'm not quite sure what to use to stick the posters up.  I've used the blue (or white) sticky-tack that comes in small squares which you can shape like silly putty and didn't like the result.  When I finally took my posters down, the walls were not marked, but the back of my posters had a greasy spot on them (and they were even the high quality laminated posters!).  So, I'm thinking of trying the command poster strips.  I don't think they would leave a greasy mark on the poster, would they?

Let me know if you have any ideas!  Thanks!

PS:  Some of the posters on my wall will include the following, not to mention lyrics will be spread throughout:

Didn't know I was a MLP fan, did you? =P  It's amazing, by the way...

This is just a sampling, of course!  YAY for geekiness!  ^-^

So Many Things To Do

The semester is now over and this is what I was expecting the break to feel like:

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But this is reality:

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I have so much I want to get done before school starts up again in January,
and I'm worried I will blink and the break will be over and I will have
accomplished none of my goals to kick back and relax!
(Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it?)

I want to read several books, watch all 5 seasons of Big Bang Theory,

and simply enjoy spending time with friends and family!  

So I thought I would start off by reading some good books...

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Not to mention the gift wrapping for Christmas still needs to be done...

Oh, how I wish my To-Do list looked like the following:

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Wouldn't that be great?  Talk about a wonderful vacation!

But I also realize that if I were to do absolutely nothing, I would be bored out of my mind and not functional.  I need to be doing things in order to save what little sanity I have left.  Take yesterday, for example.  I read all morning and became restless, so I went out and started watching Season 2 of Big Bang Theory.  After a while, the restlessness set in again.  In response, the crazy side of my brain proposed, "Why don't you start cleaning the office!  You could sort through papers while watching the show!"  Of course any normal person wouldn't go in and tackle an office of paper stacks and litter them around the living room floor right before Christmas.  We don't even have our tree up yet!  (And we may just pull a Grandma move and go for the tiny tree on a table with presents underneath.)  The reason for this is because since we had a leak in our roof, we had to move furniture.  In the process, we decided to simply replace all the old furniture with new (this being our family Christmas present), but we also want our carpets cleaned prior to the delivery of the new furniture.  And we don't want to put the tree up if the carpets need cleaning...

Therefore, our living room is completely empty...

Aside from the mess I made yesterday... which I will finish with tomorrow!

You see, even on vacation I still have to find something to do to occupy my time.  I can't simply lay around and leisurely read the piles of books that have stacked up.  Oh goodness no!  I must spend my precious free-time cleaning... Why?  Because I might just go insane if I don't.

And let's face it, when school starts up again, who has time for big cleaning projects? =P

**I do apologize for the immense amount of criticism and sarcasm in this post.  I blame it on the book I am currently reading and my creativity breaking out of the closet...

Season of Solitude

I came across this quote tonight and it touched me in a profound way.

"If God is preparing you to make an impact on this world for His kingdom, chances are He will take you through a 

season of solitude. 

This is a season when you learn that you can't lean upon anyone but Him for your confidence and when you 

gain the strength to stand alone even 

when no one else stands with you." 

~ Leslie Ludy

When God Writes Your Love Story, p. 157 

"Demons" Lyrics

I purchased a new album on Amazon recently and I finally got around to listening to it last night.  There were two songs that particularly spoke to me.  This album is Imagine Dragon's "Night Visions" album.  I have heard of this band before (a couple friends are into them), so I bought the album after listening to songs on YouTube.

One of the things I love about listening to new music is it causes my creative juices to start flowing... especially in relation to my stories.

The moment Track 4 started playing, I could feel it was going to be good.  When the beginning of the chorus started, one of my characters poked his head out and said, "Hey!  This is my song!!!"  My listening immediately changed as I realized the words were describing feelings he has.

"I want to hide the truth.  I want to shelter you.  But the beast inside, there's nowhere we can hide."

This character is my beloved Zak from Destroyer Series.  All my characters are near and dear to my heart, but Zak and Red hold very special places in my heart as Red has been with me for years, and Zak's personality is simply contagious to me.  So, without further ado, here is the amazing song that has been added to my Destroyer Series Playlist.  I especially loved the bridge verse!  It's funny, the art booklet that came with the CD has the lyrics to the song, but for some reason the bridge verse wasn't printed (typo!).  But it's my favorite verse in the entire song!!  Anyway, enjoy!!

"Demons"

Imagine Dragons

When the days are cold

And the cards all fold

And the saints we see

Are all made of gold

When your dreams all fail

And the ones we hail

Are the worst of all

And the blood's run stale

I want to hide the truth

I want to shelter you

But with the beast inside

There's nowhere we can hide

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close

It's dark inside

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

When the curtain's call

Is the last of all

When the lights fade out

All the sinners crawl

So they dug your grave

And your masquerade

Will come calling out

At the mess you made

Don't want to let you down

But I am hell bound

Though this is all for you

Don't want to hide the truth

No matter what we breed

We still are made of greed

This is my kingdom come

This is my kingdom come

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close

It's dark inside

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

They say it's what you make

I say it's up to fate

It's woven in my soul

I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright

I want to save that light

I can't escape this now

Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat

Look into my eyes

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

Don't get too close

It's dark inside

It's where my demons hide

It's where my demons hide

I also just realized that this song is PERFECT for Damon of Vampire Diaries.  If I was still editing videos, I would make one just for him. <3