~ * ~ 65 Random Things About Myself ~ * ~

I've seen this done on other blogs and I find them very interesting (it helps me realize I'm not as weird as I sometimes think).  Who knows!  Maybe I'll have something in common with you!

1. I started my first job at the age of 18 and have stayed with the company for the last 8 years.  (Talk about commitment!)
2.  I love to break the register at work (make it display funny error messages) and find out problems with the coding.
3.  I absolutely love the Asian culture (obviously), but I don't know exactly why or what started it.  [See #23]
4. My favorite type of food is sushi.  [See #32]

5.  I'm rather fond of things that are different/unique.
6.  I'm not a huge fan of cooking, but I believe that it's simply a mental obstacle and once I start cooking (or befriend someone who loves to do it) I will enjoy it much more.  [See #18]
7.  My favorite animal is a tiger.
8.  My bedroom could also be classified as a library because of how many books I own (and not having access to a library card doesn't help the decreasing bookshelf space).
9.  Up until recently, I had never flown on a plane.  It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be.*

*This picture may not reflect opinion stated above.

10.  I created my own daily planner using Excel and a mini binder.  I absolutely love it.
11.  I haven't listened to English music in over 8 months.
12.  My favorite music group is Super Junior, where my favorite song writer is David Hodges (though they are in no way related).
13.  In high school, I went through a "goth" faze, but never got around to dying my hair black.
14.  Now (ten years later) I can't seem to get enough bright colors in my life!
15.  I absolutely adore my co-workers and the people that I serve.
16.  I can easily spend hours on YouTube watching vloggers.

17.  My favorite holiday is Christmas as the Spirit is amazing, (and I'm not referring to the materialistic spirit).
18.  My mother suffered from a degenerative disease called Rheumatoid Arthritis for most of my life, and doing simple daily tasks were very painful and challenging.  [See #6]
19.  I am the "President" of a creative writing group with nearly a dozen of my friends, and I love being with them!
20.  My favorite thing to do with friends is go out to eat, window shop, or simply watch funny videos/movies with them.
21.  My favorite movie genre would be technically classified as "Family" or "Children" as I LOVE the animated movies such as Rise of the Guardians, Kung Fu Panda, Madagascar, Megamind for their stories and morals that are taught.
22.  I'm definitely a story-kind of girl.  If the plotline doesn't make sense or isn't interesting (mindless action scenes, etc.), I won't enjoy it.
23. When I was a child, my best friend growing up was from Cambodia.  [Possible reason for #3?]
24.  I am normally very suspicious of people due to my trust being broken in the past.  However I am working on improving this.
25.  I am an only child and wish I had siblings.
26.  Some of my favorite vloggers on YouTube to watch are: Dodger Leigh, Random Panser, Marikplier, and Mary Doodles.  [*Not all content on their channels I approve of, however I do love their vlogs when they simply talk about their daily life]
27.  My birthday is in February and lies on the border with the horoscope calendar, so I have mixed qualities of both Aquarius and Pisces (if you believe in horoscopes).
28.  My mother passed away April 22, 2011 and there's not a day that goes by that I don't think about her.
29.  I love fruit, especially during the wintertime.
30.  I have only experienced two "Snow Days" in my entire life, though I have lived in the state with the "greatest snow on earth" my entire life.
31.  My dad and I are really close and have similar personalities (you've been warned).
32.  I love breakfast meals (pancakes, waffles, eggos, bacon, sausage, hash browns, etc.).  It's probably my second favorite food.  [See #4]
33.  I have over 19 hours of kpop music on my iPod and I love every minute of it.

[Image Source]

34.  I wish I had a great sense of style and accessorizing like other girls with short hair, but I don't. [See #54]
35.  I don't even have my ears pierced!
36.  Thanks to my first boyfriend, I'm no longer afraid to be my true self.
37.  Overall I am a generally happy person.  I will act happy even when I'm not, but once you get to know me, you'll be able to tell when I'm having a hard time.
38.  My favorite New Testament story is the story of a man named Legion and how Christ heals him.  For some reason that story has stood out to me for years.
39.  My favorite Book of Mormon story is Alma the Younger's life story.
40.  I love looking for symbolism in life.
41.  I can't wait to go through the temple [See #40].  But I don't have plans to receive my endowment as I would really like to go through the temple my first time with my future husband.  I am temple worthy and hold a baptismal recommend however.
42.  My dream is to someday do an Asian tour and visit all the countries.
43.  I plan to meet someone "famous" in my life.
44.  My guilty pleasure is YouTube, Netflix, and DramaFever.  They will be my downfall.
45.  I love to set weekly goals and strive to accomplish them.
46.  I love video editing (mainly making movie trailers) but after killing my third computer, I stopped.
47.   I miss the days when life was simpler and my greatest concern was whether it was going to be sunny enough to play Power Rangers outside or not.
48.  I am not a big video game person, but I do have friends who are (and I obviously follow YouTubers who are HUGE gamers, but I myself am not one).  [See #26]
49.  I haven't had a serious boyfriend in years (mainly because I told the Lord what I wanted and He was kind enough to bless me with it... though now I'm not so sure I can wait for the blessing).
50.  I am on an adventure called Life and I love every moment.

51.  I would not change anything in my past, for by doing so, I would change the person I am today and I don't want that.
52.  I'm far from perfect, and I hope my future husband has some flaws or I'm going to feel extremely inferior.
53.  As a child, I was never into "girly" things.  In fact, when McDonald's would have the different toys for girls and boys (barbies for girls, Hotwheel's cars for boys) I would cry if I ended up with a barbie because I wanted the car.  Yeah, I was THAT child.  But look at how well rounded I turned out! :)
54.  My entire wardrobe could do with a makeover [See #34].
55.  I can't speak another language, but if I could, it would be Korean.  But I am trying!
56.  I do not have a single scar and I have never broken a bone.  (as of yet)
57.  I graduated with a degree in Family, Consumer, and Human Development, with an emphasis on Community Services.  Basically, I want to work with helping families have a better life.
58.  I originally wanted to major in Psychology, but I hated the medical diagnosis side and loved the application side.  [Hence #57]
59.  I took art all 4 years in high school, but I don't consider myself an artist in the least.
60.  I enjoy writing and coming up with stories.  It's the organizing different scenes into a coherent storyline that I struggle with.
61.  When I was little, I used to eat chapstick; specifically the strawberry flavored kind (Smackers brand).
62.  I didn't like raspberries until after high school because of the "little hairs" but yet I love to each peaches with the skin on (fuzz and all!).  (Side note: I did wash the peach first.)
63.  I'm a total geek at heart. <3
64.  I enjoy playing European table top games ("Euro Games").  My favorites include Dominion, Carcassonne, and Tsuro.  I even wanted to start a weekly game night with friends!
65.  I would LOVE to adopt Asian children once I'm married.  They're ADORABLE!!

I'm going to stop it here.  If you want to get to know me better, feel free to contact me. :)

Motivional Monday

Because I am so busy this semester (and it's not always a good day), I find having motivational quotes in my daily planner has helped, especially when they are quotes by people I love or look up to.  Here is a sampling:

"There are no bad days, just good stories."  

~ Dodger Leigh {YouTuber}

"Believe in yourself... 
There will always be people who'll say... you should just forget your dreams because they're unrealistic.  But dreams are supposed to be unrealistic!  You're supposed to be able to reach for the stars.  You're supposed to be able to reach as high as you can and push yourself as far as you can go, because you never know what your limits are until you reach them." 

~ Markiplier {YouTuber}

"FIGHTING!"

~ Super Junior
[Translation: "Keep on fighting!" or "You can do it!"]

"Sometimes the bad things in life put us directly on the path to the best things we will ever experience." 

~ Unknown

Walking By Faith

In order to complete my Bachelor's degree, they require a practicum (or "internship").  I am required to gain 300 hours of hands-on experience in my field of study. I was going to do it over the summer, but I felt so confused and lost.  I was literally wandering around in the dark waiting for the Lord to answer my prayers.  Funny thing is, when I finally made a decision (as opposed to waiting) I felt a strong confirmation that I was where I was supposed to be.

As a result, in September I started volunteering at a local domestic violence shelter (as my emphasis is helping families in the community).  What we do is help individuals who have suffered from abuse, by providing a safe place for them to come if they are seeking shelter and counseling onsite that help the client get back on their feet.  I'm amazed at what a great resource this is for my community and I'm proud to be a part of it!  The individuals (staff) who work there are phenomenal!  At first I was terrified at the prospect of being one on one with a client as I asked about their experience.  But the other night (my second check-in shadowing) I had a neat experience:

The client is not native to America, so her English is a bit rough, but clear enough to understand.  The advocate I was shadowing had a hard time hearing her because the client spoke softly, so I was able to help the advocate understand what the client was saying.  Then, once the check-in process was complete, I had the awesome opportunity of showing the client around the shelter.  Her eyes just lit up.  No longer afraid, peace filled her eyes for the first time that night.  She was going to be alright.  And as I took her up to the room she'd be staying in, my heart was so filled with joy at being able to help this individual, it could have burst.  I know that was the Spirit of the Lord.

"I Walk By Faith" by Judy Cooley

You see, for a long while now (since Spring) I have felt completely lost when it came to my future.  I didn't know what I was going to do, where my life was headed, etc.  As you know if you've followed my blog for a while, I had expected to be married, hopefully staying at home with the kids, etc.  My life was not turning out the way I had hoped and it left me feeling like I was walking blind.  The Lord obviously had different plans for my life, but I would have liked to know them!  Then I had a glimmer of revelation when I thought of going to South Korea to teach English.  It gave me hope and excitement.  I knew that would be at least a year away, so what was I going to do for my practicum?  My immediate future?

The feeling I experienced the other night at my Practicum was like a light shining on my dark path.  I came home feeling energized and excited.  It was as if the Lord was telling me, "This is where you are supposed to be right now, Melissa."  I have not given up hope for gong to Korea.  But after the other night, I feel more peace at where I'm currently at in life.  And that feeling is incredible.

And last night I came across the following scripture that really captured my feelings:

"There are many mysteries which are kept, that no one knoweth them save God himself. But I show unto you one thing which I have inquired diligently of God that I might know... [But] it mattereth not; for God knoweth all these things; and it sufficeth me to know that this is the case..."  ~ Alma 40: 3, 5

So even though I still am unsure about my immediate future, knowing that the Lord has a plan for my life brings me peace and hope to carry on walking my current path.

Be Believing

Sometimes in life, we wander through periods of wilderness.  Other times we are blessed with a land of promise.  The Lord doesn't always give us what we want, not because we don't deserve it, but rather, He knows we deserve something better.

During our times of wandering, it is important to keep the faith and continue to believe.  The following are a handful of scriptures that I find inspiring and help my faith during these dry times:

"Be not faithless, but believing." {John 20:27} 

"Fear not: believe only." {Luke 8:50} 

"Be not afraid, only believe." {Mark 5:36} 

"Doubt not, but be believing, and begin as in times of old, and come unto the Lord with all your heart..." {Mormon 9:27} 

"Believe in God; believe that he is, and that he created all things, both in heaven and in earth; believe that he has all wisdom, and all power, both in heaven and in earth; believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend." {Mosiah 4:9} 

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." {John 14:27} 

"Be strong and of good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest." {Joshua 1:9}

So whether you are walking through your wilderness or have made it to your Promised Land, it is important to keep in mind that the Lord is always with you and has great plans for your life, no matter where you are at in your journey.

[Image Source]

~ * ~ Fear not, but be believing. ~ * ~

Going Abroad?

Things don't always go the way you plan.

You can have your life all laid out only to have it fall apart.

Or, in some ways, come together.

Never have I traveled.  The farthest away from "home" I have gone is an eight hour drive (one-way).  But towards the end of my schooling career (a few months ago) I had the strongest desire to travel.  I was finishing school and I wasn't romantically involved with anyone, allowing me "freedom" to do whatever I dreamed about.  But I couldn't figure out where this sudden desire to travel the world came from.

I have always wanted to go to Asia and, if I believed in reincarnation, I would swear I was Asian in a previous life.  Everything from the language to the music to the entertainment I find fascinating.  I will admit, like a fair amount of Americans, anime was my introduction to Japan (and Asia in general).  But then I started listening to music and quickly fell in love with the language.  For years, I listened to Japanese music (mostly Visual Kei, Jpop, and some solo artists).  However, it became more and more difficult to find, much less obtain.

And then I saw SHINee's "Lucifer" and my world changed.

The editor in me was blown away with their timing in regards to dance and video editing.  It wasn't just SHINee's videos either, but several artists' videos.  Then I realized how broadly advertised this "kpop" was on YouTube.  BILLIONS of views on thousands of videos.  And the best part?  I could legally purchase the music from iTunes and support the artists that I love (like Super Junior).

Music unites us and makes us realize that underneath all the external differences, our internal heart feels the same.  We experience similar emotions: we cry when we're hurt, laugh when we're happy, and smile when we're in love.

And I have fallen in love with a country all over again.

It's not that I don't love Japan any less, but I love South Korea just as much and my desire to go to both countries skyrocketed.

I saw a teaching opportunity to go to Seoul, South Korea and teach English to children at the beginning of the summer.  Asian children are ADORABLE!!!  (If you don't believe me, go watch this YouTube video).  When I saw the offer, I had one of those instant gut reactions: "Yes!  I want to do this!"  And it has stayed in the back of my mind ever since.  Going abroad would be a HUGE change for me, but it would be an absolutely incredible experience; one I would cherish for the rest of my life.

The more I think about going to Seoul, the more I want to go to Seoul.

[Image Source: JeffreyHolldender.com]

In anticipation of living my dream, I have begun seriously studying a foreign language for the first time in years.  안녕하세요!  As excited as I am to know at some point I want to travel abroad, I admit I don't want (or plan) to make the trip alone.  It would be so nice to take a friend or a travel buddy, as sharing the journey with another person is a crucial part of the experience (in my opinion).  Not to mention the safety it provides.

Maybe I should just sit back, save, and dream.  Then, in a few years, I'll have learned enough Korean to get me around and perhaps I will have a travel buddy lined up...like a *cough*husband*cough* I think an Asian tour would make for an amazing Honeymoon, don't you?

 네!!!!
(YES!!!!)

...Maybe I would even get to attend a few kpop concerts. ;)

~ * ~ * ~ Reader Involvement ~ * ~ * ~

Where would you go and travel if money and time were not a problem?  Why do you want to visit that country?  Comment below!

June Changes

June is going to be a month of great growth and change for me. "I can feel it... in my belly!"

All areas of my life will change this month:

- Academic: My practicum will give me hands-on experience with working in my field (though, as of tonight, I am still looking for a site) and is needed before I can get my diploma.
- Spiritual: I'm going to revamp my spiritual life and make studying the scriptures and pondering an essential part of my life.
- Physical: I am going to get in shape! For so long I've had it as a goal, and this month I'm tackling it!!
- Social: My writing group of friends (Inklings) are doing NaNoWriMo this month (since November is the worst possible time for us to write).
- Romance: I'm determined to boost the area of my love life. I'm watching a seminar and it has really motivated me to put myself out there, take some risks, and just have fun when it comes to dating.
- Mental: When I see "small" projects around the house, I just need to DO them; like taking that basket of old clothes to charity, or selling old DVDs to our local video store for cash.

These all seem to be items that were pushed aside because they are not a priority. Well I'm MAKING them a priority this month.

Then maybe next month I'll tackle cooking. ;)

Eden

You know those moments in life when you realize you have become your parents?  Yeah, totally had one of those the other day.

I decided to buy a new music album off of iTunes to help me tackle a very large cleaning/organization project.  After it downloaded, I stopped to think about how my music interests have changed over the years.  In high school, if you even mentioned the word "pop" around me, I would have walked away.  But as time has gone by, my interests have gone from hard-rock/punk to alternative to pop... to instrumental.  And the funny thing is, this is exactly the kind of music my parents listed to when I was younger!  I grew up with a lot of Yanni, Kenny G., Jim Brickman, and Donny Osmond playing in the house.

In a psychology class I took years ago, I heard that as people age, they actually revert into what they experienced as a child when it comes to personal tastes, etc.  Boy is it ever true in my case!

Anyway, one of my favorite artists is Piano Guys.  They are phenomenal and made listening to piano music fun again (not to mention how David Hodges has influenced me in my choice of music as well).  As I listen to their stuff on Pandora, Paul Cardall kept coming up, and I really started to like his piano music.  So I purchased one of his CDs this last week: Living For Eden.

Within twenty seconds of the first song, I knew I was in love.

It hasn't changed after hearing the entire album.

I looked at the CD artwork and found this on the back:

"Music is a means to an end for me.  It's a gift that allows me to share emotions that reflect my life's philosophy.  Johann Sebastian Bach said, 'The aim and final end of all music should be none other than the glory of God and the refreshment of the soul.'

Life is full of surprises.  There are ups and downs, happiness and pain.  But, through it all there exists in my heart the comforting assurance that faith in a loving God and loyalty to family creates a Garden of Eden, or refuge, in our lives.  I've learned that long-term happiness does not come from any accolades, money, or advancement in society but by putting our whole heart into love, sacrifice, and service to those in our home, extended family, and community.

This album [Living For Eden] is a celebration of my 35 years.  I love life.  I am reminded every day through my experiences of the gift of life.  However, I think of the millions of people suffering in the world.  Pain and loss is all around us.  Poverty, disease, war, the list goes on.  It's overwhelming and devastating.  My heart turns to these people.  I believe we should trust in the message of Jesus who more than 2000 years ago taught us how to live and love all people.

We should focus all our priorities in actively building homes with love and also extend that love to our communities.  And then, maybe, this world once again will become a peaceful place like the Garden of Eden."

- Paul Cardall

I want to add my testimony to his about how our priorities need to be within the home.  It is in this sacred place that we learn the basic values and morals to function in life.  This is where we should feel safe and be able to escape the concerns of the world.  I have been blessed to live in such a home.  Though it is not the Garden of Eden, it is my Eden.  I am proud to call it Home.

What will your Eden be like?

Random Panser

For a while I have kept my "obsession" with this vlogger to a minimum... but I figure it's finally time to let the cat out of the bag so others might enjoy in her epic randomness!

Meet Panser.

She's my age.

And she has pink hair.

(Though she has been known to change it quite often)

She's also a complete gamer.

(Her favorite games being World of Warcraft and League of Legends)

Who even has a YouTube channel
dedicated to gaming news (Tradechat)

 

Not to mention,
she's a huge Pikachu fan.

Even competing in the TBS series, "King of the Nerds."

So why do I like this girl so much?  She's hilariously funny.  Panser has such an addicting personality.  I can't help it that time seems to slip into another dimension when I watch her videos.  She has brought more smiles to my face than any other YouTuber.

Speaking of smiling, she also promotes making the choice to be happy.  You have to make a conscious choice to have a good day.  I firmly believe in this because I try to do it everyday and it works.  Seriously.  To quote Panser, "You just have to be like, 'Oh wow, that happened and that sucked.  Now I'm going to go eat a cupcake.'"[Source] ^-^

Panser is also a source of inspiration when it comes to doing crafty things.  She makes a TON of things, especially these amazing SpiritHood feather accessories:

The feather accessory I purchased yesterday.
I can't wait for it to come!!!! ^-^

Her creativity has stirred within me a desire to try new things.  I'm quickly becoming a fan of DIY (do-it-yourself) projects.  In fact, I have an entire playlist on YouTube dedicated to creations I want to do sometime.  I thank my own mother for the crafty hobby she had, but I also blame Panser for igniting that spark within me.  I wish it would have ignited sooner, because I could have done so much more with Mom while she was here...

But "No regrets!"

Anyway, even though I don't understand most of what Panser says when she talks "gamer," (aka: mentioning specifics of games I have never played, leveling up a certain character, or why it is difficult, etc.) I do understand enough--and I'm entertained enough--to keep watching.

Aside from gaming, much of what she talks about is complete and utter...
  

 

...but I still enjoy it.

I recently re-watched nearly all of her Vlog videos... (Multiple sittings, of course).  But it has made me appreciate vlogging and the uniqueness of her style in particular.  Maybe I just haven't seen very many good vloggers, but I enjoy hers because unlike the normal vlog, hers are always in one take... so we see everything, even the bloopers.  That's one of the reasons her vlogs are so funny.

So as I was re-watching her videos, I decided it would be fun to create a sort of collage of my favorite parts in some of the videos.  These are the moments where I laughed the hardest; the events that make me appreciate Panser for her unique, spunky personality.  If she lived near me, we would be friends.  Anyway, enjoy!
  

Disclaimer:  She does swear occasionally in her videos (not in the one above, however).  But she's normally pretty good about not swearing too often (unlike some other YouTubers I have seen).

"I love you all.  

I hope you are having a wonderful day.

You're in my ♥ ♥ ♥ (hearts)

And I'll see you so soon!"

~ Panser

Fear Not

I came across the picture above on FaceBook and shared it.  One of my friends commented and asked, "So what would you let go of?" and it caused me to stop and think...

If I could live my life without fear...

What would I do?

That's a very good question... and I'm not really sure I have the answer to that.  There is so much to fear in this world (especially since I keep hearing about school shootings).

Then, in Institute on Monday, my teacher referenced a talk by Elder Holland entitled, "Terror, Triumph, and a Wedding Feast."  This is the section that spoke to me the most:

"I say this because in recent times—post 9-11 times, I suppose—I have heard very fearful and even dismal opinions coming from some in your age group... I have heard some of you say that you wonder whether there is any purpose in going on a mission or getting an education or planning for a career if the world we live in is going to be so uncertain. I have even heard sweethearts say, "We don’t know whether we should get married in such uncertain times."

Worst of all, I have heard reports of some newlyweds questioning whether they should bring children into a terror-filled world on the brink of latter-day cataclysms. May I tell you that, in a way, those kinds of attitudes worry me more than Al-Qaeda worries me.

I have just two things to say to any of you who are troubled about the future. I say it lovingly and from my heart.

First, we must never, in any age or circumstance, let fear and the father of fear (Satan himself) divert us from our faith and faithful living. There have always been questions about the future. Every young person or every young couple in every era has had to walk by faith into what has always been some uncertainty—starting with Adam and Eve in those first tremulous steps out of the Garden of Eden. But that is all right. This is the plan. It will be okay. Just be faithful. God is in charge. He knows your name and He knows your need.

Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ—that is the first principle of the gospel. We must go forward, as it says in K. Newell Dayley’s hymn commemorating our pioneers of the past, “with faith in ev’ry footstep.” But like those pioneers, you do have to keep taking them—one step and then another and then the next. That is how tasks are accomplished, that is how goals are achieved, and that is how frontiers are conquered. In more divine language, that is how worlds are created and it is how your world will be created.

God expects you to have enough faith and determination and enough trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. In fact, He expects you not simply to face the future (that sounds pretty grim and stoic); He expects you to embrace and shape the future—to love it and rejoice in it and delight in your opportunities.

God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe."

[I encourage you to listen to Elder Holland's talk and read along with him.  He emphasizes words in such a way that it will touch you on a deeper level.]

I absolutely LOVE that last statement.  We need to believe in the future and have faith that Heavenly Father will help give us strength to face it.  As Elder Holland goes on to say...

"...God not only lives, He loves us. He loves you. Everything He does is for our good and our protection. There is evil and sorrow in the world, but there is no evil or harm in Him. He is our Father—a perfect father—and He will shelter us from the storm."

Fear of the future has been a concern of mine.  In fact, I have expressed it in previous posts.  The future is scary, but it's going to be alright... if we just believe.

We cannot let our fear of the future withhold us from reaching our potential in this life.  We have so much going for us, and we can do it.

So I am going to leave you with departing words from a song by David Hodges (yes, everything does relate back to him somehow).  It is entitled, "Little Juliet."  He is singing as a father (to his daughter), but the song has a much deeper meaning: There's another Father that is telling us (everyone) the words of this song whenever we are going through a difficult time or are scared.  This song speaks peace to my soul.

I can't imagine while you're waking
From a dream, the darkness
Is making you so scared
Honey, I've been there
But I know it won't be long
So baby, hold on

I know you can't understand
I know it's hard to trust these hands
When you're so scared
Honey, I've been there
Please believe it won't be long
So baby, hold on.

[Image source]

Trouble

Light does not always erase the shadows we carry...

I came across this song on YouTube today and within the first minute of the video, I knew it was going to be amazing... and almost nostalgic for me.  This song (and video) perfectly describe my Junior to Senior years of High School.  The shots in this video remind me so much of things he used to do (even picking fights and being cocky, but not necessarily rude/mean).  When I first saw him in the hallway laughing with his friends, I "knew he was trouble" but didn't seem to care.  Like Taylor states, "I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen."  And by "this" I mean cheating on me with another girl and leaving me in the dust.

As I look back, it wasn't necessarily a happy or joyful time in my life, but I can't describe the rush that came from being with him (he was my first love, after all).  He was everything I thought I wanted, showing me a different side of life that I had never seen, opening my eyes to the world...

"Crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again...

...But I don't know if I should."

And I have never felt the same way towards anyone else since that experience.  It was such a "high" that nothing since then has ever compared...

The way of life we experienced together was like a drug.  And he was toxic to me, poisoning the deepest parts of my soul...

"And the saddest fear comes creeping in...
That you never loved me...
Or her...
Or anyone...
Or anything..."

For years I have struggled to climb out of the abyss he left me in.  I finally reached the top and could see the light once more...

But light does not always erase the shadows we carry...

Until we learn to face the sun and take a step forward.

Words cannot adequately describe the feelings I have gone through watching this video, nor the perfectionism of how it mirrored my life (aside from the crazy partying going on).  The lyrics speak truth to me on a different level... a level only David Hodges has ever been able to reach.

Many of the people I have met in the last 5 years do not know this "past life" of mine.  Many would never even guess at it.  I think that's a good thing!  It goes to show how much I have changed and turned my life around!  (FYI: No I was not doing drugs.  I thought I should clarify because I knew you were thinking this.)  But there was really no need for that kind of stuff when the guy you were with made you high on life.  Even now, the memories of that time are literally only flashes; glimpses of moments, creating a collage of an experience.  Many of those moments had such powerful emotions tied to them that they have left a deep scar on my heart.  The pain has gone away but the scar remains, growing smaller and smaller every year.

Eventually it will disappear...

Until then, I will try to forget it despite the pricks I feel from time to time.

"I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him...

...It was losing me."

Your first love will always remain with you, (as do the majority of your previous significant relationships).  What brings me hope is knowing that eventually a man will come into my life who will create those same "high" feelings as my ex did, only with in a positive way.  He will be soooo much more than my first boyfriend ever was or ever could be...

And I will be with this amazing new man for the rest of my life. <3

"I Knew You Were Trouble"

Taylor Swift

I think...

I think when it's all over it just comes back in flashes, you know?

It's like a kaleidoscope of memories...

But it just all comes back.

...But he never does.

I think part of me knew the second I saw him that this would happen.

It's not really anything he said...

Or anything he did...

It was the feeling that came along with it.

And...

Crazy thing is, I don't know if I'm ever going to feel that way again...

...But I don't know if I should.

I knew his world moved too fast,

And burned too bright.

But I just thought...

How can the devil be pulling you towards someone who looks...

So much like an angel when he smiles at you?

Maybe he knew that...

When he saw me...

I guess I just lost my balance.

I think that the worst part of it all wasn't losing him...

...It was losing me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Once upon a time, a few mistakes ago

I was in your sights, you got me alone

You found me

You found me

You found me

I guess you didn't care, and I guess I liked that

And when I fell hard, you took a step back

Without me

Without me

Without me

And he's long gone when he's next to me

And I realize the blame is on me

'Cause I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

'Til you put me down, oh

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

No apologies, he'll never see you cry

Pretends he doesn't know, that he's the reason why

You're drowning

You're drowning

You're drowning

Now I heard you moved on from whispers on the street

A new notch in your belt is all I'll ever be

And now I see

Now I see

Now I see

He was long gone when he met me

And I realize the joke is on me, hey

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

'Til you put me down, oh

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

And the saddest fear comes creeping in...

That you never loved me...

Or her...

Or anyone...

Or anything...

Yeah!

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

'Til you put me down, oh

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

So shame on me now

[You] Flew me to places I've never been

Now I'm lying on the cold hard ground

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

Oh, oh

Trouble, trouble, trouble

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

Trouble, trouble, trouble

I knew you were trouble when you walked in

Trouble, trouble, trouble

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I don't know if you know who you are until you lose who you are...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

To this day, I have yet to run into Cody, though we still live in the same valley.  I keep thinking we are going to cross paths one day.

I hope when that time comes, I will be able to look him in the eyes and tell him I am happy and doing well.

A small part of me also hopes he can respond the same...

Geek Wall

My bedroom walls are completely bare... and I'm tired of it.

A few weeks ago I saw the following video.  It is by my favorite vlogger (yes, I have started watching them), and her screen name is RandomPanser (Tradechat).  She's hilarious, geeky, and of course random.  Anyway, this video is showing the decorating of the wall in her video room (it's now the background for all her videos now).  What I specifically like about this video (and haven't seen in other design videos) is how she overlapped so many images and placed them at angles, like a collage.

I concluded a few nights ago that I wanted to attempt this on my bare walls.  So, I decided I wanted...

A geek wall!!

All my geekiness will be revealed with pictures and posters of favorite TV shows, movies, bands, lyrics, etc. Call me crazy, but I'm tired of bare walls and I really want to do something fun for a change.  I used to have posters hung up years ago, but when I took them down, I never replaced them.  Part of me has been hesitant because I'm not quite sure what to use to stick the posters up.  I've used the blue (or white) sticky-tack that comes in small squares which you can shape like silly putty and didn't like the result.  When I finally took my posters down, the walls were not marked, but the back of my posters had a greasy spot on them (and they were even the high quality laminated posters!).  So, I'm thinking of trying the command poster strips.  I don't think they would leave a greasy mark on the poster, would they?

Let me know if you have any ideas!  Thanks!

PS:  Some of the posters on my wall will include the following, not to mention lyrics will be spread throughout:

Didn't know I was a MLP fan, did you? =P  It's amazing, by the way...

This is just a sampling, of course!  YAY for geekiness!  ^-^

So Many Things To Do

The semester is now over and this is what I was expecting the break to feel like:

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But this is reality:

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I have so much I want to get done before school starts up again in January,
and I'm worried I will blink and the break will be over and I will have
accomplished none of my goals to kick back and relax!
(Sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it?)

I want to read several books, watch all 5 seasons of Big Bang Theory,

and simply enjoy spending time with friends and family!  

So I thought I would start off by reading some good books...

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Not to mention the gift wrapping for Christmas still needs to be done...

Oh, how I wish my To-Do list looked like the following:

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Wouldn't that be great?  Talk about a wonderful vacation!

But I also realize that if I were to do absolutely nothing, I would be bored out of my mind and not functional.  I need to be doing things in order to save what little sanity I have left.  Take yesterday, for example.  I read all morning and became restless, so I went out and started watching Season 2 of Big Bang Theory.  After a while, the restlessness set in again.  In response, the crazy side of my brain proposed, "Why don't you start cleaning the office!  You could sort through papers while watching the show!"  Of course any normal person wouldn't go in and tackle an office of paper stacks and litter them around the living room floor right before Christmas.  We don't even have our tree up yet!  (And we may just pull a Grandma move and go for the tiny tree on a table with presents underneath.)  The reason for this is because since we had a leak in our roof, we had to move furniture.  In the process, we decided to simply replace all the old furniture with new (this being our family Christmas present), but we also want our carpets cleaned prior to the delivery of the new furniture.  And we don't want to put the tree up if the carpets need cleaning...

Therefore, our living room is completely empty...

Aside from the mess I made yesterday... which I will finish with tomorrow!

You see, even on vacation I still have to find something to do to occupy my time.  I can't simply lay around and leisurely read the piles of books that have stacked up.  Oh goodness no!  I must spend my precious free-time cleaning... Why?  Because I might just go insane if I don't.

And let's face it, when school starts up again, who has time for big cleaning projects? =P

**I do apologize for the immense amount of criticism and sarcasm in this post.  I blame it on the book I am currently reading and my creativity breaking out of the closet...