Closing Old Doors

This last year there has been a lot of change in my life.

1. I lost my best friend.
2. My mother passed away.
3. I threw out pieces of my old life.
4. And now, I may just possibly be giving up a hobby I have loved for years.

Now, as readers of this blog, you may know that my last post was a "letter" to FaceBook (not actually sent, mind you).  I had made a video and went to post it on FaceBook to show my friends, but was not able to due to copyright.  FaceBook actually gave me a warning they would possibly delete my account if more copyrighted material was uploaded.  (You can read that warning in its entirety here.)

Well, I've done a lot of thinking over the last 24 hours and I've come to a conclusion.

Video editing takes a LOT of time, especially when you're striving to rip your own footage because you don't feel it's good to download illegal torrent files--not to mention you don't have the software to do such a thing anyway! ^-^  But, a while ago when I was considering upgrading my computer so I could use new software, something monumental dawned on me...


I can't picture myself editing when I get married and become a mom.

It hit me hard and I actually didn't edit for a few months.  This original idea was planted about 15 months ago.

Over the last few months, as I've come to appreciate some of the more important aspects to this mortal life, I've come to realize how much time I spend editing videos and ripping footage.  It blows my mind.  But then I reason with myself and say, "Well, it's my escape from reality!  We all need a break at some point!"  But the hours upon hours I've spent just doesn't justify itself anymore.  I have more important things I want to do, like:

• Being more socially active in my Ward, especially going to activities
• Doing more with friends
• Working on chores and major projects at home
• Strengthening my spirituality and testimony in the Gospel
• Studying harder in school

Those are just a few of the activities I've come up with that I could spend my time on instead of editing videos.

Last night was simply the straw that broke the camel's back.

Now, some brief history:  I have been thoroughly interested in video editing since 2001.  I have edited videos since 2003.  While dating in high school, I did not edit a SINGLE video.  A whole year, and not one video was produced... Yet I didn't miss it.  I only turned back to it when my life took a turn for the better and I found more time on my hands, along with inspiration for videos.  Switching to a Mac at the end of 2008 was difficult because I had to start learning a new program all over again, and one that was FAR less effective and flexible than the program I HAD been using.

But I made iMovie work for me, despite the hair-pulling events.

I canceled my YouTube as a form of closing out part of my old life.  I re-opened a NEW account, but it has not been active because I couldn't upload any videos to it, due to copyright claims.  Well, I discovered I could upload to FaceBook, and this worked better because only my friends would see my work.  I loved being able to share this work.

But now, my priorities have changed.  I'll be starting school again in Spring, and I still have lots of large chores I want to do around the house (like organizational/major cleaning projects).

And with my new calling in the Ward, I would like to spend more time preparing to teach my lessons than I currently am.

But the largest thing for me, is the fact that I REALLY want to be more social.  I'm such a homebody that I would easily choose staying home over going out on almost any occasion.  And after the years I've had of being hurt by those I love, I've built up walls and I'm suspicious of those I meet and talk to socially.  I'm slowly trying to tear those walls down, but something like that is never easy.

Losing those you love is so difficult.  When my mom passed away, it was hard but it was also a great blessing because I have watched her suffer so much over the last few years with pain.  Like they say, "Death is not the end, only the beginning."  I truly believe that.  There's an entire other WORLD on that side of the veil, and I know my mom is being kept busy over there!

But losing friends is also hard.  I've watched as my friendships have dwindled and all but disappeared.  I have weak connections to my friends, but they're not strong enough for me to feel comfortable calling them up and saying, "Do you want to do something tonight?"  And I truly miss that.

This is where being active in the Single's Ward will help a great deal.  I'm hoping to build some friendships that I can lean on for support, especially during times of trials and difficulties.  Talking is my "love language" and it's how I feel the most connected to a person; how I best feel appreciated.  I haven't had many people to talk to over these last few months other than Dad.  This is mostly my own fault for the walls I've built up to keep people out.

But those walls are starting to crumble as I'm getting more desperate to reach out and have someone else reach back.

I think this is a good thing because it drives me to change.

And change is exactly what I need right now.

Which gets me back to the whole video editing thing (sorry, that was a long detailed detour).

I seriously am thinking of giving it up, or at least not editing nearly as much.  Now that there's no way to share my work, I'm not as driven to make videos.  Not to mention the time and the effort it takes to make the videos.  I just don't feel I have that much time and energy to dedicate to the hobby anymore because I have other--more important--areas I should be dedicating myself to.

Anyway, I came up with a quote which is my new motto for my situation right now (*inspired by a video I saw about two years ago).  I also feel it can be applied to any sort of change we're dealing with, whether it be a change of hobby, a different choice in school classes, a dissolving of friendships, or the loss of a loved one.  I hope this quote may give you strength during these difficult times.

"Closing old doors is hard,
But opening new ones doesn't have to be."
- Melissa Hansen 2011