Finals are this week.
Luckily mine are not too bad, but since I didn't do hardly any homework last week, I'm starting to feel the stress.
Compile that stress to the constant tiredness I have felt for weeks (as though I can't find any energy) and I find myself questioning if I really should be doing Summer Semester which starts on Monday--meaning no break for me between finals of Spring to the start of Summer (it's the space of one weekend).
Should I continue with my plans to go to Summer Semester? Will I even survive? Because right now, it's looking like quite the mountain to climb, and I have forgotten all my gear...
The original idea of going to Summer school arrived back in March. It was the week prior to General Conference, and I set up a meeting with my Academic Advisor for help on what I should do. I currently don't know exactly what I want to do with my life (I have ideas, more solid now at the end of the semester, but I'm still generally at a loss). I was hoping that by me taking the initiative to talk to the advisor prior to General Conference, I might receive an answer. It's like seeking it out in your mind first, then going to Him and asking if the decision is right.
While I met with my advisor, she made the casual comment of perhaps doing a summer semester and getting some of my general education requirements done, which some also happen to be prerequisites to classes only available in Fall (meaning, if I waited until Fall to take these Summer courses, it would be another YEAR before I could take other classes that I need).
Even though Summer was mentioned briefly, and we laid out a plan as though I were going to go to Summer, I still wasn't entirely convinced. I mean, who goes to summer school?
I went in to General Conference Weekend with the question of, "Heavenly Father, do you really want me to go to Summer school as opposed to working on other things I feel are pressing (like projects around the house, taking better care of myself physically--i.e. learning to cook, etc.)". I expressed how I felt like I should go to school, but I was nervous, scared even, because it is something different, something new. A change.
In the last year I feel I have had my fill of change.
However, if going to Summer school was the answer for me, I was going to try and embrace it.
I remember when it happened. I was sitting in the Conference Center during the Saturday morning session as Elder Dallin H. Oaks spoke about sacrifice and how sacrifice of all things is what creates faith (from "Lectures on Faith"). It was this concept of sacrificing something now for the greater good and that would benefit in the long run.
Was that my answer?
Was I suppose to sacrifice the free-time I was sure to have this summer for something greater? Would this sacrifice help create the faith I needed to get through the semester?
My answer: Yes.
The following is taken directly from my journal, written during Elder Oaks' talk:
"Perhaps one of the sacrifices I need to make is the sacrifice of time and money to go to school. By sacrificing, I know the Lord will bless and help me (both financially as well as educationally). Right now, I feel like I have a great urge to get schooling done so I can then focus on starting a family. I also feel that the moment I commit to that, the Lord will bless me by leading me to the man I will marry and start my family with."
Now, looking back on this, I already know one of those things have happened.
You see, I honestly didn't think I would have enough money to cover tuition for Summer, seeing as I hadn't planned to pay tuition until the Fall. But the Lord, in His great mercy, acting upon my own faith, He blessed me with a substantial Tax Refund this year--enough to cover Summer tuition and still have some to apply towards Fall. To me, this is a real testament that Heavenly Father does know us and knows what we need. We can also take His blessings to be the sign we are on the right path.
But, now having been sick for such a long time, and feeling so tired... I almost feel as though perhaps I jumped too soon. Perhaps I'm not ready to dive off the deep end and be involved with schooling straight through the year...
And then I read the following quote tonight from Jeffrey R. Holland's book, "Created For Greater Things":
"With any major decision there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been illumination [revelation], beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."
What Elder Holland talks about is true. I think I'm in the "temptation to retreat" stage. But, in a way, couldn't that simply be Satan trying to tempt me to not go to Summer school? For all know, I may just meet a nice young man in one of my classes and we just fall head over heals for each other. Perhaps Satan realizes this and so he's trying to prevent it. It certainly wouldn't be the first time he's tried something like this on me. So, with Elder Holland's quote in mind, I take my leap of faith. Even though I don't quite feel ready to jump, I am going for it. It's like what Elder Oaks talks about regarding sacrifice and that it is only through sacrifice that we truly come to learn and appreciate the value of faith. It is through faith that overcome trials and changes, even difficulties that arise in our life. Through faith, anything is possible.
Therefore, it is in faith that I continue to take this leaping bound through this Final's Week and land straight on Monday, the start of a new term. Even if I still feel uneasy about the decision, and have those moments that seem like they will overwhelm me, I take a deep breath and remember...
"If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now."
And my peace returns.
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