Weakness

Have you ever been hurt deeply by someone you thought you could trust?

Have you been betrayed or hurt by a loved one?

Have you had a friendship that fell apart, and you thought back and said, "What went wrong?"

Have you ever done something to another person and regretted it terribly (whether intentional or not), but with no way to apologize to the person you hurt?

Have you ever felt alone, as though the world seems to flowing all around you, yet you seem to be standing still?

Have you ever lost someone you cared about greatly?

I don't know the answers you might have for the questions listed above, but I know mine is a yes to all of them.

I believe, if you said "no" to any of the above, you will experience it at some point in your life.

But all hope is NOT lost!!

There is hope.  There is always hope.

And it's found through our loving Savior, Jesus Christ.  During His infinite Atonement, He felt every pain, every hurt we ever had or ever will experience.  He has felt our loneliness, our suffering, our grief, our doubt, our worry, and He is the ultimate Comforter because of this.  He is someone we can go to for help and guidance when all seems lost in this world.  At times when life simply seems too dark, and that no one cares, I can guarantee that He cares.

He knows who we really are; for He lived with us in the premortal life and taught us, interacted with us, and came to know us each individually.

Therefore, He knows what we are capable of becoming in this life.

He sees not only our weaknesses, but also our many strengths.

Often in this world, we tend to focus on the negative--what we don't have.  Things like, "I'm not pretty enough" or "skinny enough," "If only I had that talent, I'd be happy," "I wish I was popular like that person is," or "If only I were more socially accepted...."

Thoughts like this only serve to drive the Spirit away and halt our progress.

We need to realize that yes, we all have weaknesses.  But we also have strengths.  I think we have more strengths than we have weaknesses.  If we would stop looking for the negatives and start looking for the positives, I think we would find we have more strength than we realized.  Yes, there is always room for improvement in all aspects of life (if you have perfected an aspect of your life, please let me know so we can chat! ^-~).

But that is what this life is about: Growing, changing, and drawing closer to our Savior and Heavenly Father.

We may not be the "perfect" boyfriend/girlfriend/friend, but we all know how to love, and we all know what it's like to be hurt.  But through the pain of being hurt, we must also latch on to our strength to love.  By showing that love to others, more love will grow within us, and one day we will have that love we desire.

That is just one small example.

Like what the Lord speaks to Moroni in the Book of Ether:

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness.  I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them."  Ether 12:27 [Italics added for emphasis]

We are given weaknesses in this life and are here to experience the pains associate with mortality... But we are also here to be made strong, and to overcome those pains so that we can experience true joy.

I want to clarify, we did not come to this life purely to suffer.  We came to this earth to gain the experience and knowledge necessary to return to our Heavenly Father's presence and become gods and goddesses ourselves one day, but we must live worthily here and try the best we possibly can.  Keep in mind, I did not say we had to be perfect in this life, but we must strive to become so to our fullest capacity.  Not having to be perfect is one of the many blessings of the Atonement.  If the Atonement of Jesus Christ had not happened, there would be no life, no mortal experience, and no chance of ever seeing our Heavenly Father again.  But, because we do have a Savior, we are blessed with the opportunity to experience this life--this glorious life--and return back to our Heavenly Father.

There is much joy in this life.  As difficult as it may seem some times, there is always joy around us, if we but open our hearts to see and feel it.

So, during your next moment of "the blues," let me challenge you to say a word of prayer (even just in your heart if you cannot kneel down and pray in your current location), and the Lord will help you.  I have seen this work in my life, and through Him, I was made stronger and better able to face my challenges.  Those challenges may seem "small" to others, but they are big for me, and therefore they are big to my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.

They will listen, They will help, They will comfort.

Always.

Blessings That Come From Sacrifice

Remember this post about "closing old doors" in my life?

Well, it didn't dawn on me until just this week that when I gave up my video editing (with hopes of being more socially active), I didn't know that the very next Sunday was when my crazy social week started.

Since that epic week, life has slowed down a little, but I'm still enjoying the company of my new friends and acquaintances I've recently made.

For example, switching my Institute class so I could be with friends/people I know, has worked out wonderfully!  After class, they normally go up to the Institute break-room and eat lunch and simply hang-out for a couple hours.  I was able to attend Monday for the first time, and it was highly enjoyable!  I look forward to this activity on Mondays and Wednesdays in the future...

I've also been attending Ward activities lately (all those "Sunday Sweets" or "Dessert and Flirt" after Ward Prayers, not to mention FHE) and I've come to get to know a lot of new people in the Ward!  I also have found it easier to remember faces and names because I've interacted with them outside of Church (and I don't go a full week without seeing them).  This also has been a blessing in my life!

As I ponder upon these things and all the events that have taken place recently, I've grown to realize there are wonderful blessings that can come from sacrifice!  If we are willing and able to work hard, fighting the inner battles in order to overcome, we can be blessed for our efforts.  Giving up video editing has not been easy, and I still have the urge to open iMovie and waste away my afternoon or evening... But I've come to see the blessings I've personally received by not giving in to that temptation.

This not only applies to an innocent hobby, of course.  Whenever we sacrifice our time, energy, or resources for others, we will be blessed.  I have seen this work time and time again in my life (especially when I don't exactly want to do it, but I force myself to).  Granted, the blessings come quicker and are more easily recognized if you're not fighting it.

Also, as I learned in Institute, true strength does not simply come by giving in.  True strength comes from fighting inner battles and conquering them.

I often feel as though I've been fighting an inner war for years, spread into several smaller battles.  With each new victory comes peace.  Sometimes those battles are more difficult to fight than others, but I've seen more changes within myself when I fight those harder battles.  No, war is never easy, especially when it's within yourself.  However, if one can persevere through the battles, using patience when needed, the war will be won.

Your war may last a lifetime.

For others, it may only last years.

Whatever the case may be, might I encourage you to keep fighting those battles, strengthening your inner army, and conquering the enemies of your soul.

I leave you with these few words of encouragement that I came up with a while ago and have given me strength over the past several weeks:

"For the dawn is now breaking, the darkness will soon depart.
And Hope will shine brighter, growing within a grateful heart."

Writing and Characters

With all that has been going on this past week, I've had the strangest inclination to simply write.

Last night I was looking through some of the pictures I've created for my Destroyer Series, and I concluded I'm not simply craving to write just anything, but I'm talking about serious book/novel writing here!

Why?

I honestly don't know.

Back when Mom was in the hospital, I found great peace and relaxation in free-writing... something I haven't done since that whole experience.  I posted several of those free-write sessions on my FaceBook, and I'm thinking I should write more.  I actually enjoyed them because they allowed my mind to create whatever world it wanted to.  I was not concerned with how what I was writing now would have an affect on the over all story later.  I simply put pen to paper and did not remove said pen until I felt satisfied.  It's a great experience!  Perhaps I should do that tonight...

But anyway, back to my Destroyer Series...

I recently purchased a book on character development.  First of all, I love learning about how to develop characters, whether it's seeing how other authors have done it or learning by reading, I love to learn about it.  Second, I'm super paranoid about making my own characters come across accurately.  I want my reader to see the characters like I do.  Alas, I find this to be a false hope seeing as we're all individuals and Reader A will most likely see one character in a different light than Reader B.

However, that knowledge does not deter me from trying my hardest to make the characters the best they can be!

...And I'm learning a lot.

Not only from reading this educational book, but also from the small details of the character's lives that emerge as I think about them.  Little things that start a small fire than burns into a raging inferno.  Occasionally, those seemingly small "match" fires have literally burnt my world down and built a new one... One of those "major" fires was the introduction of Zak to the story.  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad he entered, but when he came knocking, the entire world shifted--as did the entire story.  No joke.  It's been quite the ride...

Anyway, this post is really just me trying to postpone going to bed tonight.  I'm really tired, but not.  You know?  So I apologize for this being such a random blog.

But that's what blogging is: random.

Oh well, the sooner I get to bed, the sooner morning comes, right?  And I can start all over again!

Principle vs Circumstance

This week--and especially weekend--my eyes have been opened to see my true self in a different light.

On Friday night I went to the Institute activity (the one where I was going to meet my Instructor's wife!), only to be sadly disappointed.  I knew exactly how I wanted things to be--I'd go, find friends, meet my Instructor's family, hang-out, and have a good time--but alas, things did not go "according to plan." (See previous post here).

Well, yesterday (Saturday), I went to the baby shower for my cousin.  Honestly, when I awoke I did not want to go.  I was in one of those moods (as you gathered from the post) where all I wanted to do was stay home and do something physical.  Well, when the baby shower ended around noon, I knew I would be home around 1:00 PM, plenty of time to hit the gym!

On the way into the valley, I received a phone call.  A co-worker was sick and was wondering if I could take the rest of her shift.  Obviously, I agreed--I could use the hours anyway.  So as soon as I got home, I rushed up to work.

Two hours later, I was back at home only to run downtown for some things.

By the time I finally arrived home for the night, it was around 8:00 PM.  It had been a hectic day...

And not at all according to plan.

Funny thing is, my Institute teacher talked about this concept called "Principle vs Circumstance Driven People" during class on Wednesday.  This is the THIRD time I have heard this talk in the last year!  It took me until now for it to really sink in!

Those who are Circumstance Driven tend to change how they behave and the choices they make depending on the circumstances (such as the friends they are with, the things they are doing, etc).  Whereas those who base their life on Principle remain steady and unwavering regardless of the circumstances.

Let's use an example, shall we?

Bob goes out on the town with some friends to a party.  Alcohol is being served and his friends invite him to have a drink.  Now, if Bob were a Circumstance Driven person, he would easily justify the fact that "it's only this one time" or "I don't want to look bad to these guys; they're my friends!"  So he takes a drink and consequences follow.

If Bob were Principle Driven, he would have declined the drink, saying something like he believes in the Word of Wisdom and doesn't want to partake in the drinking.  So he does not take a drink and the consequences follow.

Keep in mind, consequences will follow regardless of the choice you make.  There is always a consequence to every action.  Not all consequences are bad, some of them are good.  Perhaps the consequence of Bob taking the drink involves a car accident on the ride home, or getting into trouble with a girl, or worse yet, he could end up an alcoholic.  On the other hand, the consequences for Bob not taking the drink may include losing some friends, or he could move on to a higher ground and a better way of life.

If you always "Choose the Right" does that mean your life will be easy?

No.  In fact, it's been my experience that at that moment--when the decision is placed before you--it's often harder to make the correct choice (unless previously decided upon).  But once the deed is done, you'll be so glad you made that correct choice.  Choosing the Right does not mean life will be easy, it simply means it will be easier in the long run.  Like a sweet young woman said today during Testimony Meeting today: Sometimes our perspective gets a little skewed in the moment and we forget the long-term picture.

Are you Principle Driven or Circumstance Driven?

Honestly, I found out this weekend I am very much a Circumstance Driven person.  And this needs to change... I find that when things don't work out the way I have planned them in my head, I tend to get depressed or down on myself.  This is not good.  Also, in the past my friends have often affected me emotionally, or had a lot of influence on me, to a great degree (like a roller-coaster ride), and this is one result of being Circumstance Driven.  I could be having the happiest day in the World, and then one thing happens and it ruins my entire day (because it works me up emotionally).  I should not let this happen.  I'm only hurting myself when I do this, and it's certainly not productive!

I need to work at becoming more Principle Driven, so when the bumps do come along, they don't shake my world.

It's Early...

It's 7:30 and I'm wide awake.  I first stirred around 6:50, but I just didn't want to get up (the cool breeze from the window and feeling warm under the covers prohibited me from having any motivation to move).

Last night wasn't the greatest night of my life (as I was hoping for).

Didn't get a chance to meet my Instructor's wife (he had eight kids around him, all clamoring for his attention and I didn't feel I could/should interrupt).  I'm amazed at how he could focus his attention on one child and then another as though flipping through the channels on TV.  It was rather impressive!  But his wife was not nearby.

The other "bad" decision I made was assuming I would find my friends at the party once I arrived.

That did not happen.

And wandering around alone was not appealing in the least and it made me feel a bit low (I'll admit).  I did run into a couple people (acquaintances), but nothing more.

So, next time there's a big party like that (after all, it's not like going to a Ward party where you recognize most people and can start a conversation with them), I will be going with a group of friends, because clearly, I couldn't find them last night.

I left the party early, and drove.

Driving helps me a lot of times work through my thoughts, and since I had a lot at that moment, I drove up to the State Border and back.  I love that drive.  It's not the most scenic, but it's just open highway and I get to go 60 mph... which I was in need to do.  Just drive.

By the time I arrived home, my mood hadn't improved much.  It did a little (thanks to blasting Simple Plan and singing my guts out--that normally helps!), but I still went to bed in emotional disarray.

Now, this morning, I'm headed down South for my cousin's Baby Shower!  In ways, I think it'll be good to get out of the house and be with family... In other ways, I'd rather stay home and work outside pulling weeds (or hit the gym... do something physical, perhaps that would also help).

Then again, who knows!  When I get home today it may still be early and I might just hit the gym this afternoon!!  We'll just have to see how the trip goes.

Oh!  And then, this only added to my "saddened" mood, I had one of those freaky moments this morning where I considered the random possibility that Dad wouldn't wake up--he'd had some kind of heart attack during the night (after all, yesterday was extremely stressful for him).  Granted, I KNOW this couldn't be a real possibility, but it's a legit fear.  So that didn't help my mood much.  He's still in bed (despite going to bed at 9 PM) and unconscious.  I'm sure he's just sleeping, but there's that little voice in the back of my head taunting me... and oh how I wish it would stop.

Well, off to be with family!!  Let's see if that can brighten my mood, at least to some degree!

So, to summarize:

• At the next party, going with a group of friends = more fun.
• Being active physically (like at a gym) is important and I need to do it more often (especially now that I won't be working as much).
• Dad will be just fine if I have faith, and I shouldn't let thoughts like that bother me.
• I'm going to go and have a good time with family today!!

Crazy Social Week

I got off work early today.

It's been a CRAZY week!!  First week of school, so the Bookstore was insane, and remember how I said I was going to be more social?  Well, I had the great blessing of being so this week...

...Like every night.

Don't get me wrong, it's been GREAT and I've thoroughly enjoyed it!!  It's just been kind of crazy with it being all at once and during the busiest time of year at work.  *sigh*


Sunday
I had the impression to go to Ward Prayer that night.  As the afternoon went on, I brushed the impression off, only to get a call from the Bishop asking if I was attending (impression #2), and then to have my Home Teacher tell me a friend (and recent convert) was directing the meeting (impression #3).  After they left, I knew I had to attend.  Three impressions is kind of a major hint that I need to act.

So I went to Ward Prayer (the first time in a LONG time).

And I saw an old acquaintance I hadn't seen in years!  He's in town visiting for a week and I was surprised to see him there.

Funny story, there was a "linger longer" (or "Dessert n' Flirt") after the prayer at a member's home.  Well, this acquaintance of mine planned everything out so I ended up driving him to the party while I attended, despite not planning to go (he was sneaky about it, let me tell you!  I don't think he realizes exactly what I know he did that night... Of course, I figured it out thanks to his brother ^-^).  Anyway, the linger longer was way fun and I got to socialize with a lot of people I haven't really had a chance to talk to in a while.

Sunday night was a great night!!


Monday
Had to work at 7:00 AM until 4 PM.

I went to Institute and had the impression that the Spirit was going to be different in this last than the previous ones I had had from the same instructor... I didn't know why until Wednesday (keep reading).

I attended FHE at the Single's Ward (also a first in a LONG time).  It was a small group of four people... yeah, you heard me: FOUR people turned out.  It was interesting, and since I had put in a full day at work, I went home an hour later and straight to bed... I was asleep by 7:30 PM.


Tuesday
Again, another EARLY morning for work (7:00 - 4:00)

There was a birthday party for Brian (the acquaintance visiting) and Andrew (the newest member to the Ward--who directed the Ward prayer on Sunday).  I thought it would be fun to go, seeing as I'm attempting to be more social and it's always good to get to know new people!  Not to mention to simply support both of them!  Since I kind of knew Brian from years ago, and I now knew Andrew from teaching him in the Ward, being in attendance at the party simply felt "right."

Long story short, the party was great (a good turn-out with excellent food and conversation) and it was rather fun to see the brothers interact.  I'll be honest here, I haven't really met very many twins in my life, and it was neat to be a part of that party on Tuesday, especially as it was an important birthday (the big "21").  It was just fun to watch both of them...

I think part of my fascination is because first of all, siblings in general boggle my mind.  I grew up (and still am) an only child.  I have never had the "wonderful" experience of siblings, so I can't relate to those of you who have close relationships with your brothers/sisters.  I don't know what it's like to have a best friend within the family that's around your age and can relate to you and your circumstances at home.  That was one thing that's been hard on me during the last several years with Mom.  It was hard to relate to others (or have others relate to me).  ANYWAY, I find siblings, especially if they're closer in age, fascinating.  And make them twins, and it's even more intriguing!  There's just a special connection with twins.  I don't know if Brian and Andrew have a special connection like this, but I assume so--based on what I've witnessed.  We haven't really discussed it or anything, so who knows!  But I do look forward to getting to know BOTH of them better!!

Their parents are GREAT!  Their mother is one of the sweetest women I've EVER had the opportunity to meet!!  She was so nice and so sweet!  I didn't get to interact too much with their father (despite him eating next to me--he was a bit distracted talking to the Bishop).  But he seemed like a very pleasant guy.

Oh!  I also found out I should listen to my impressions when signing up for Institute.  Originally I registered for an 11:30 class with my favorite instructor, but later changed it to 12:30 in favor of work.  Well, Tuesday night I found out Andrew and a couple other friends were in the 11:30 class I had originally signed-up for!!

As my friend and I were leaving, Brian ended up getting my number out of me (lol!).

My friend also pointed out, as we arrived home, that she found it interesting how I was perfectly comfortable sitting at one end of the table next to Andrew and his father, or going inside to hear Brian play his bass, while she preferred being around the girls.  This was an interesting insight for me.  I know I've always been more comfortable around guys for some reason.  Depending on the day, I'd prefer hanging out with the guys over going shopping with the girls.  I don't know why this is, but let's just hope I have more sons when I have kids after I'm married!  I don't think I'd know what to do if I had girls...

Anyway, later that night I also had my friend Hannah come over to my house.  She's been having a rough time lately and it was nice to have her over and enjoy a glass of milk and simply talk for about an hour.  She's amazing and her strength blows my mind.  I'm so blessed to be able to call her my friend!!  (Hannah, if you're reading this, I'm thinking about you and hope things are going alright!!)


Wednesday
Last day I had to work at 7:00 AM!!  Working another full day.  But luckily, I talked to my boss and she was able to adjust the permanent schedule so I could attend the 11:30 Institute class with my friends!!  YAY!!  I found the Spirit to be different in the 11:30 class, which I liked.  I think it might have something to do with when I'm in a class with friends, and I have the opportunity to hear their testimony, it's a stronger confirmation to me because I KNOW them.  For me, the Spirit is simply different when I hear a stranger bear their testimony (yes, it often still is very touching, but I feel something different when it's someone I personally know).  So I'm way excited to be able to attend this class with friends!

I also received a text from Brian asking me to hang-out that night.  We went to a restaurant and ate dinner (breakfast), followed by attempting to go to a guitar store (but it was closed) so we came back to my place and played video games.

It was a rather enlightening experience, but quite fun!  I enjoyed getting know Brian better, especially since neither of us really know the other very well.  It's too bad he leaves town again so soon...


Thursday
I put in another huge day at work (but I was able to sleep-in an extra hour!!), and at 3:30 (towards the end of a long and stressful day) I had to manually swipe 101 gift cards through the register... twice!!  Half of which I had to do a THIRD time!!  THAT'S LIKE 250 CARD SWIPES!!!!!  It, along with the crazy full day at work, had exhausted me and I came home feeling like I had the Flu!!  I supposed this is what I get when I try to do something every night of the week and still work 35 hours...

I had planned to meet up with a dear friend of mine who was currently in town (she's doing graduate school out of the state) and she's been out of the country this summer studying abroad!  I really wanted to see her, but after I got off work, I quickly realized just how tired I was and I didn't think: 1) I would be able to make it, and 2) she would even enjoy my company if I was so tired.  So we have postponed until next weekend!  Thank heavens!  She's so amazing!! ^-^

Needless to say, I went to bed early this night (as in 9:00 PM early).


Friday
I was lucky enough to get off work a half-hour sooner than planned (10:30 AM) and so I've had the entire day to myself so far!!

Brian texted about 3:30 asking if I was home.  He stopped by (on his way out of town) to give me a movie we'd discussed on Wednesday....

What do you think it means when a guy buys you anime?  (lol!!)

I also had a call from my grandmother about attending a baby shower for one of my cousins tomorrow!!  So, I'll be headed out of town at 9 AM and who knows when I'll be coming back (probably afternoonish).

And TONIGHT,  I'm excited because there is the Institute Opening Social (there will be lots of food, people, and entertainment), so it will be a BLAST!  And the best part?  I get to meet my favorite instructor's wife!!  I know, that sounds really weird, but you have to understand that this same instructor (of Institute) changed my life last year and he was willing/able to come to Mom's viewing!!  He has been a tremendous support through this trial and I'm very grateful to him!  So I look forward to having the chance to meet his dear sweet wife who he is married to eternally!!
So, this is my week so far...  And with any luck, I'll get a call tonight or tomorrow asking me to teach on Sunday... lol!!!  The way this week has gone, it wouldn't surprise me!!

Well, off to party for a few hours!!!